


Jack Kelso's Tide Pod Adventure

by ColePhelps, cryptidbf, denounce, Infinitefleurs, joelsdick, My_Dear_Watson, Oxylyxo



Category: L.A. Noire
Genre: Crack, Multi, Other, and he steals a goddamn baby, better than the lizard fic, gordon leary steals roy's wives, hes also a rat boy infecting people with the spanish flu, jack eats tide pods and shoves them up his ass, jack goes to new york, jean jokes, ratticus has a long ass fucking name, roy earle and jack kelso go to chili's, roy has amnesia and doesn't remember that he's married to jack, roy keeps dying and at this point we're too scared too ask, the entire la noire discord wrote this, there's like a far cry 5 joke here sorry, there's peppa pig and dvd/vhs in the 40s now, there's rat poison involved, this is awful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-03-25 11:19:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13833072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColePhelps/pseuds/ColePhelps, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptidbf/pseuds/cryptidbf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/denounce/pseuds/denounce, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infinitefleurs/pseuds/Infinitefleurs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/joelsdick/pseuds/joelsdick, https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Dear_Watson/pseuds/My_Dear_Watson, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oxylyxo/pseuds/Oxylyxo
Summary: we're sorry





	1. The Spanish Flu: The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> this is extremely awful

Once upon a time, a fair maiden by the name of Roy Earle contracted the Spanish Flu. Lucky for him, he had a kink for that. He threw up on his desk and died immediately, or did he? No one showed up to the funeral, so who really knew? But was he really dead? Either way, Jack Kelso would have killed him first. So whatever was in that casket, he threw it down in the sewers with Cole’s corpse. The truth is, Jack Kelso secretly killed them and put them in the sewer because it was the only way he could feed his beloved pet rats, Marmalade and Baby, who subsisted entirely on human remains.They were some Fucked Up rats. In fact, this was all part of Kelso’s plan. He wanted to spread the Spanish Flu all throughout Los Angeles. His first target was Cole, who he always hated, and next was Roy for similar reasons. They had been taken care of, so after getting some much-needed rest, he embarked on his quest to kill Rusty.

In the infinite void, an eye closes and another opens. What the fuck.  The eyes of the void have eyelashes stuck in them, which angers them greatly. They crave a sacrifice. A tobacco flavored one. Rusty will be that sacrifice.  It’s a sunny afternoon in Los Angeles. A pleasant sun, a sun that shines with you rather than on you. It isn’t foreboding in the least, all the easier for Jack to carry out his master plan.

Why is that previous paragraph extremely ominous. It is bathed in the blood of sin and spoken by a cursed tongue. That’s valid.  That did not make it any less ominous.

Rusty arrives home. It is 7:30 PM. He cries over a drink. Wasn’t this someone’s fic already or something similar. The tears running down his cheeks and the waning sunset were the only things indicating that the world was still alive in that moment. Everything else was silent, stagnant, not a single cricket’s chirp to break that incessant void in time. Rusty was crying so much that his tears fell into his drink and he fucking diluted it. That just made him cry more.  
  
Outside, Jack stood shrouded in the shrubs of Rusty’s unkempt garden. He watched. He waited. And waited.  
  
‘I have to do this.’ Jack thought to himself. ‘I have to be brave for my rats.’

Only mere moments later did Jack pounce into Rusty’s home through his kitchen window, brandishing an old, dirty icepick. One could say it was rusty. Now was not the time to be funny though-- Rusty must die.

With two of his most trusted rats on his shoulder, he moved into the hallway with silent footsteps. And then the floorboards creaked, because this was Jack trying to be stealthy, after all. Rusty was his easiest kill yet, as he was in his usual drunken stupor. With a snap of Jack’s fingers, the rats knew just what to do. They sang the Gregorian chants of mourning as he plunged the icepick into Rusty’s stomach once, twice, three times, over and over until he lost count. The rats took great joy out of eating the detective’s remains, but Jack knew that it would never be enough. Jack Kelso fell to the floor and wept.

Neither the rats nor the void are satisfied.But Kelso knew that this was his duty; he needed to infect everyone in Los Angeles with the Spanish Flu, including himself. But why would he stop at the city of Los Angeles? Why not the entire state of California? Why not America? Why not the world? Why not the entire starscape? His ambitions clouded his thoughts as he pet his loyal rats. After his job was done, he would look back on his work, taking pleasure in the fact that he created a utopia. In the meantime, Jack sat on the roof of his apartment, watching the sunrise and eating Chex Mix ™. Basically being the Service Top™ that he was. He wanted his power bottom but Roy was fucking dead from the Spanish Influenza. Jack cried and cried until he heard the familiar squeak of his pet rat Marmalade.   
  
“Squeak squeak!” Said Marmalade in a panicked tone. This couldn’t be good.  
  
“What?! There’s been a gas leak in the apartment?!” Cried Jack as he jumped off of the roof and onto the balcony . This looked like a bad Arson case about to happen so he calls his good friend Papaw Biggs.  
  
“Biggs, you gotta help me. This is urgent.” Jack said, his voice strained and breathy.  
  
“Sorry son, I can’t help you this time.” Herschel replied, his voice solemn.

“W-What do you mean?”   
  
“Arson  _ is  _ legal, and…” Herschel paused. “It’s the only way to get into heaven.”

“Feck u” replied Jack.

“Also. I caught the Spanish Flu so I can’t really help you even if I wanted to.” Herschel fires back, and then coughs into the mic.

Jack didn’t have time to process the fact that he was responsible for the death of his friend. The most important thing to do was to pack his novelty tie collection in his suitcase and head to Rusty’s abandoned house for refuge.  Before he left, he remembered to pack his hundreds of tasty looking suspenders. He stuffs maybe two in his pockets and the rest in someplace else.  He even had some suspenders made for his lil’ rats, and he thinks they’re adorable.   
  
Jack arrived at Rusty’s house and unpacked his things. Looking around, he noted that the only thing left of Rusty was his skeleton. He felt happy, if only for a moment, to know that his rats had a plentiful meal. Hopefully he won’t catch the Spanish Influenza soon. That corpse has been there for several hours now.  He wasn’t sure how Rusty’s rotting carcass decomposed so quickly in only the span of a few hours, even with his rats eating the rest of it. He wasn’t a biologist though so he let it be.

‘Oh boy, this house could sure use a deep-cleaning. It’s dirtier than the sewer in here.’ Jack thought to himself before fetching a bottle of bleach and a few rags from Rusty’s closet.  In that same closet, Jack found a container full of Tide pods. He felt a mysterious urge overcome him.

 

Please don’t make Jack Fucking Kelso consume Tide™ pods he’s too smart for that. Also were there Tide pods in the 40’s? Just how advanced were they. 

I think laundry pods are a pretty recent invention (I’m guessing the earliest time they were around was the 1990’s).  I ship Jack Kelso and Tide pods.

 

“Hi my name is Jack Kelso and I’m about to shove these Tide pods up my goddamn ass.”   


  
Valid.

 

These pods weren’t Roy Earle but it would have to do.  With great fervor, he began to eat the Tide Pods  ™ .  The intoxicating scent of soap aroused his senses. As he sunk his teeth into, most likely, his eleventh Tide Pod  ™ ,  a sexual appetite came over him.

 

Mood.   
  


It could’ve been worse. These Tide pods could’ve been shoved up his ass like beads.

You may see that soon. ;^)

Oof, kinky. Jack, you sexual deviant, you.

  
Jack felt a great lust for the Tide Pods  ™ .  So great, in fact, that he was too overcome with pleasure to notice that he had removed his undergarments and shoved six of the Tide Pods  ™  into his virgin asshole.

 

Virgin? (2) Doubt.  Nonetheless, that’s spicy.  Is it valid?  Probably not.  Sad.

 

His rats stared at their master in disbelief. Wat de fuc.

  
He’s not a virgin this is just his first time taking things in the bum. :3    


Besides Roy Earle’s dick?  


Yes. I guess virgin isn’t the best descriptor but it’s the least awful one I could come up with.

What can be more awful than this entire fic?

Absolutely nothing.   
  
The tampon scene in 50 Shades of Gray. The whole book, actually. I hate to be negative but it’s just… so bad.

That already sounds extremely awful please continue.   
  


Jack decided, in his sexual hunger, that six pods in his ass wasn’t enough to satisfy him, so he doubled the amount. One by one, he inserted more and more Tide Pods  ™  into his anus. .  His whole body welled up with pleasure at the feeling of being stuffed with the vibrant cleaning product. He began to (forgive me) jack off and came soon later, collapsing on the floor and panting afterwards. Jack took a moment to collect his thoughts before the painful process of rectal Tide Pod  ™  removal began.

In his fervor Jack felt uncomfortable - something wasn’t right. While he did feel the heat of this episode, something else pulled at him. Was it.. The Spanish Flu?!  Somewhere, angels are weeping. Jack was weeping.  If Jack died now from the Spanish Flu, people wouldn’t remember him as a victim to the disease. Instead, they would look back and see him as the guy who shoved Tide Pods up his ass.  Tragic, really, but somehow poetic.

And wouldn’t be one hell of a way to be remembered? The coroner probably had a wild time opening him up and finding over a dozen Tide pods in him.  The coroner would have thought to himself, “What makes Tide Pods so appealing anyway?”

Jack, feeling a great fatigue come over him, crawled to Rusty’s old bed and closed his eyes for the last time. The next morning, Jack’s hordes of rats gathered around his bed and sobbed at the sight of his still, lifeless body. Out of respect, the rats did not eat their protector, but rather buried him in Rusty’s old garden. Lowering the casket, the hundreds of rats sang their songs of goodbye in unison. As their final words were uttered, Jack’s two pet rats, Marmalade and Baby, set a gravestone in place to remember him by. A plaque in the shape of a Tide Pod  ™   read:   
  
“R.I.P Jack Kelso   
1913 - 1947   
You made flowers bloom everywhere you went,   
Even in the sewer.”

Kelso would be damned to a deeper level in Hell, a worse fate even Roy didn’t deserve.

But what did Jack Kelso do that even Roy Earle didn’t deserve?

 

Tide Pods.   
  
“He was born.” -Sarah (Salmon Sleeves)

 

Valid.


	2. Roy Earle Goes To Chili's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> again, we're sorry

 

Roy walked into the restaurant with his lover Jack by his side, their hands intertwined. It was some “I’m Not That Drunk” shit. It’s completely valid. Jack stared deeply into Roy’s eyes, relishing these last few moments with his beloved before his job must be done. Before Jack could get too lost in thought, their waiter came to seat them.  
  
“Hi, welcome to Chili’s!” The man greeted. “I’m Stefan, I’ll be serving you today.”

Roy frowned. “Wait, weren’t you-”

“No,” Stefan cut him off immediately.

“Bu-”

“No,” he said again, firmer.

“Why the fuck are you working at a Chili’s?”

“Don’t ask questions,” Stefan said, “You have five hours.”

“To live?”

“Maybe.” He muttered, averting his gaze to the floor. “Anyway, what can I start you off with?”  
  
“A table would be nice.” Roy replied.   
  
“Don’t sass me, I’ll get you one in a minute.” Stefan replied, scowling at the older man.

Technically Stefan wasn’t wrong, and Roy did actually have 5 hours. But he didn’t know that yet. Ominousness aside, Stefan actually bothered to seat them despite the fact Roy was sassing him. “Okay,” he said, “ _Now_ , what can I start you off with?”   
  
“I’d like two glasses of scotch on the cocks please.” Said Roy.   
  
“Sir, this is a family restaurant.” Stefan replied, his eyes wide with shock.   
  
“It’s best to just give him what he wants.” Jack interjected.   
  
“Oh, well alright then.” Stefan began. “Well, it’s cumming right up for you good sir.”   
  
Stefan left to retrieve their order, muttering something indistinct to his colleague in the process.  

Roy winks at Jack. “It won’t be the only thing cumming right up, if you know what I mean.”

Jack just gave him a dry look. “We’re in public,” he said, “and you have four hours.”  
  
“I don’t think it’ll take _that_ long, now will it?” Roy replied, chuckling a bit.

“Three hours,” Jack said. The ominousness grows.  
  
“Now that’s what I like to hear.”

“Oh, Roy,” Jack starts. “ _Bless_ your heart.”   
  
“Umm, thank you?” Roy replied, confused as to what his lover meant. He leaned back in his chair a bit to relieve some of the tension in his body.   
  
Stefan arrived with their drinks, and, unbeknownst to Roy, his was laced with strychnine.   
  
“Here you go gentleman!” Stefan began. “Sorry, I wasn’t able to get it on the cocks. Is on the rocks okay?”   
  
“I suppose it will have to do.” Roy replied, shrugging his shoulders.   
  
“Thank you sir.” said Jack, giving Stefan a knowing grin.

“You’re welcome,” Stefan said, and he offered a wink to Jack before glaring at Roy. “Two hours and forty-five minutes.”

Roy glared at Stefan. “Why do you keep counting down? And don’t wink at my boy. Only I can do that.”

“Two hours and forty-four minutes.” Stefan walked away, his arms crossed angrily.   
  
“Haven’t you heard darling? It’s counting day today.” Jack said, his voice wavering with nervousness.   
  
“Counting day? What’s that?” Roy asked, thoroughly confused at this point.   
  
“It’s a new holiday celebrating the invention of our modern numerical system!” Jack replied, feigning excitement. He couldn’t do math for shit, but Roy couldn’t either. He hoped that would work to his advantage.   
  
“Hmm, I suppose that’s interesting enough.” Roy replied before taking a hefty swig of his drink. Rest in peace.

Jack was emotionless at this point. “30 minutes.”  
  
Only moments later did Roy begin to feel warm, unusually so. “I guess this is strong stuff; didn’t think they’d carry this here.”

“Bless your heart,” was all Jack could say.   
  
“I’ll be right back.” Roy began, wiping sweat from his brow. “I uhh, I have to powder my nose.”   
  
Roy promptly got up from the table, but his legs felt wobbly, as though he wouldn’t make it far before ultimately collapsing. As soon as he got to the bathroom, he threw up into the sink. Once the vomiting commenced, it didn’t seem to stop. First food, then bile, then bright red blood poured from his mouth into the porcelain sink. He fell to his knees before more blood was thrown up, this time on the white floor tiles. It took all his strength not to collapse into the pool of blood he had created, his nails digging into the tile in his desperation to remain stable.   
  
Taking a deep breath, the vomiting stopped momentarily. Was this the end of the horror? It proved not to be as he began to cough up blood, some of it getting onto his suit. That’s valid. But is it really? Yeah, I’d say so. Strychnine works in mysterious ways. Unleash the r*ts.   
  
Roy’s whole body shook until he lost all control of his limbs. He collapsed in a pool of his own blood and died. Hearing his lifeless body hit the ground, the rats came out of their hiding place in the stalls and began to feast upon his flesh, as Jack said they could start without him so long as they were back by their curfew. The rats were good children; they always got home on time, like very good very not-mischievous children. I have no brain. Valid.

It’s then that Stefan entered the restroom. “Sir, you can’t die in here. This is a family restaurant.”  
  
Unfortunately for Stefan, Roy was unable to respond because he had died minutes before.   
  
“Really? Dead already?” Stefan continued, sighing heavily. “Well, I guess I’ll get the mop.”   
  
Stefan left the room to retrieve the mop, bumping into Cole on the way. He had a very badly drawn-on moustache.   
  
“Hey Cole, I need you to do me a quick favor.” Stefan said in a hushed tone.   
  
“Uhh sure, what is it?” Cole asked. Oh no. Was it another dead body situation?   
  
“I need you to clean out the sink for me while I mop.” Stefan replied.   
  
“Is it another dead body thing? I thought that already happened like four days ago.” Cole was annoyed, but more than willing to help out his boyfriend with his side projects.   
  
“Yeah, we’ve changed the murder schedule to twice a week. Sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner, I was visiting my mom.” Stefan shrugged.   
  
“It’s fine just...Let me know in advance next time, okay?” Cole said, sighing as he leaned against the wall.   
  
“Of course! And don’t worry, Biggs is helping us haul the body to the dumpster this time.”   
  
“Oh thank god.” Cole replied.   
  
“Of course baby! I know you have troubles with osteoporosis so I wanna make this easy on you.” Said Stefan, pulling his lover into a hug. There’s homosexual activity in this Chili’s tonight. Homosexual activity and death. Perfect combo. Chicago but with the LAPD boys. Roy had it coming.   
  
“Now, let’s clean up this mess.” Stefan began. “The sooner we get that done, the sooner I can give you my surprise treat.” Said Stefan, giving Cole finger guns before returning to the bathroom.   
  
Cole followed behind him, checking to make sure no one else could see the giant mess in the men’s room as he opened the door. Hearing the door open, the rats scattered from Roy’s lifeless corpse and ran down the toilet drain one by one into the sewer. They would return at a later date.   
  
Upon their return to the bathroom, the two men were shock by just how quickly the body decomposed. There was nothing left of Roy but his suit and his skeleton.   
  
“Well, that makes clean up easy!” Stefan chuckled. “Get a trash bag and we can dump these bones in no time.”   
  
Cole gave him a nod and walked back to the kitchen. On the way he saw his lifelong rival and ex-boyfriend , Jack Kelso, sitting at one of the tables, his eyes watery and face distraught.   
  
“Kelso?” Cole said in surprise.   
  
“Phelps?” Jack replied, equally taken aback. “What are you doing here? Why do you have a moustache?

“You ask too many questions.” Cole said, already annoyed.

“It’s a valid question,” Jack said, “Twinks can’t grow facial hair.”  
  
“It’s fake.” Cole began. “Do you need glasses?” Cole asked, genuinely concerned for Jack’s eyesight. “ And why are you crying?”

“That’s none of your beeswax, Phelps,” Jack sniffed.   
  
“Sorry, sometimes you have to shake the tree to see what falls out.” Cole replied before entering the kitchen where Pawpaw Biggs was making the dinner special. Why is this Chili’s a front for the Lahpuhduh? We just don’t know.

“Wig!” Katy Perry exclaimed. How and why the fuck is she in this Chili’s? It’s 1947. She’s not even born yet. She’s not even a _thought_ yet. Thot. You question that but you don’t question the fact that there’s a goddamn Chili’s in 1947. Exactly. Where did it come from. Did the LAPD invent  Chili’s? Yes, they did. It started as a front for their illegal activities and now it’s a chain of family-friendly restaurants. Why did the actual LAPD want Roy dead? You know why. That’s so ominous but I respect it. I need to find it within myself. This entire paragraph is a mess. Back to the plot.

“Earle’s dead in the bathroom,” Cole said.

“Finally,” Papaw Biggs began. “That asswipe shoulda been offed long before, but better late than never, right kiddo?”  
  
“Stop calling me that, I’M NOT YOUR SON!” Said Cole before bursting into tears. 

Papaw Biggs shed a single, lonely tear of his own. “I always wanted a son. You’re breaking my heart.”

“Hey, that was Earle’s line.”

“I’m sorry.” Cole replied, sniffling. “What I meant to say is you’re my grandpa.” Cole gave him a hug and they both felt better. Heartwarming. 11/10. Coming soon to a theater near you: old man connects with local detective twink, adopts him, makes people cry. We are detracting from the plot again. Apparently, that makes me invalid. The VC said so. If you make Biggs cry again I’m throwing hands. LEAVE PAWPAW BIGGS ALONE!

Alright, alright, I’ll leave him alone. Is anybody gonna do something about Roy’s corpse though? I thought they threw his bones away? The tangents in here are fuckwild. No, Cole’s still getting a trash bag for the bones. That’s valid. Let Jack Kelso dispose of them. They were boyfriends, after all.

Okay, so, Jack like, disposed of the bones then. The End. Or is it? Again with the ominousness!

The void is endless. The void is filled with r*ts. That’s valid.


	3. goffik

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) char, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Andrew ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Hi my name is Cole Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way Phelps and I have long blonde hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Aaron Staton (AN: if u don’t know who he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic police station called the LAPD in Los Angeles where I’m in the seventh year (I’m twenty-seven). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside the LAPD. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of patrolmen stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Cole!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Roy Earle!

“What’s up Roy?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


	4. jank

Hank Merrill is wearing jeans. Jean Hank. Jank. Thanks for TedTalk.


	5. An Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beppa Big.

Bitch

“Beppa Big now on DVD & VHS” Said Leary, his voice resounding throughout the office.

“What’s a DVD?” Stefan inquired. “Or a VHS for that matter.”

“Shut your mouth or you’re fired!” Shouted Leary, stomping his feet angrily on the wooden floor.

Everyone was quiet from that point onwards.


	6. Roy Earle Gets Amnesia (It's Always Sunny theme plays)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon Leary steals Roy's wives, Jack Kelso steals a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nova fuck off - aj

Jack Kelso found himself walking down the streets of New York City. He found out that there were like, a shit ton of rats there so he booked a flight immediately. Once there, he was immediately greeted by like, so many fucking rats. Big rats, small rats, fat rats, rats eating pizza. New York City rats that were apparently on vacation in L.A.

“New York City, babey,” Kelso exclaimed. “New York F*cking City!”  
  
“Ayy, Jackie boy!” An unknown rat called out. “Get over here you sexy bastard!” Jack felt nervous about meeting new people, or rats in the big city. He was a country boy after all, but the sweet song of the rat lead him to do things he normally never would.

When he got there, however, he was shocked to find out that it wasn’t a rat calling him.

 

Or at least, not a rat in the traditional sense. It was the Chuck E. Cheese mascot.

AJ what the fuck wasn’t it a baby.

Char, please just trust me on this.

Big doubt, AJ.

Char, I promise I’m going somewhere with this.

Jack Kelso gay furry confirmed.

 

Anyway, tangent aside, Chuck E. Cheese beckoned Jack over with his costume paws. Does the costume _have_ paws? I don’t know, but whatever. “Listen, kid,” Charles Entertainment Cheese says, “I’ve got a job for you.”  
  
“What _kind_ of job?” Jack asked, feeling uneasy.

 

Charles, better known as Chuck, took a long drag of his cigarette-- somehow. “I’m going to need you

to CHARLOTTE ASDFKLJDFJKDJSKFL

im sorry.

you better be.

I am but go off I guess.

 

“See that carriage over there?” Chuck, better known as Charles, asked, as he gestured towards an unsuspecting mother with her infant child. “I’m going to need you to steal that baby. I have unfinished business with the mother. Call this… _reparations_ for the misdeeds she’s brought upon me.”

“...What reparations, exactly?” Jack raises an eyebrow as he glances over to the carriage. “But I’ll do it, so long as I can rename the baby.”

“Kid,” Charles said, “Don’t fuckin’ question me. Just steal the baby and you can do whatever you want with it. Adopt it and take it back to Los Angeles for all I care.”

“How did you know I was from Los Angeles?” Jack asked.

“I said _don’t_ fuckin’ _question me_ ,” Chuck Entertainment Cheese said. “Go steal the baby already.”

“Alright, alright already. Jesus Christ.” Jack mumbles before making his way towards the carriage. Fortunately, the mother didn’t seem to give much of a shit. For some reason she was busy with the arcade games while her child was left unsupervised. Jack shakes his head before easily taking the child out of the carriage.

The baby seemed to like Jack a lot already. He barely made a sound as he was carried out of the Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Parlor that apparently existed in 1947, and I’m assuming that much like the Chili’s was a front for the LAPD, this Chuck E. Cheese was a front for the NYPD.

 

Okay, let’s stop before I, AJ, start tangenting about police fronts again.

Is tangenting even a word?

Yes, it is, Char. Stay on track with the plot here. If you can even call it a plot.

“Oh hogg.” The baby hurgled.

Jack stared down at the baby. “I will name you…” He paused, and looked around. His eyes fell on a family of rats scurrying by. “Ratticus Ratthew Onion Kelso-Earle.”

Ratticus had no objections to his new name, but he couldn’t talk, so he probably couldn’t argue about it even if he wanted to.

 

Don’t forget his initial, AJ. It’s O. As in Onion. Ratticus Ratthew Onion Kelso-Earle. That’s a long ass fucking name.

My apologies. His full name is Ratticus Ratthew Sarah Onion Kelso-Earle.

I AINT NO RAT.

Sarah no, that’s cursed. We love this child.

Because, Sarah. You are the Rat. The Lean Mean Supreme Queen Rat.

YAAAAAS KWEEN. FUCK! IT! UP!

 

We are getting severely off-topic. Back to Jack Kelso and his new son, Ratticus Ratthew Sarah John Jacob Joseph Onion Kelso-Earle. Guys, seriously. On topic. You just keep adding to the tangents.

Fight me, AJ. Square of bees behind your local Walmart.

Char, I’d love to square of bees with you after we’re done writing this chapter, but that requires the chapter being done first.

Okay, fine.

 

Chuck E. Cheese was delighted at how Jack handled this repercussion and so he covered all of Jack’s expenses on his trip back to Los Angeles. Jack was excited to show his husband, Roy Earle, their new son. We don’t know how or why Roy keeps coming back to life, but we’re assuming necromancy. But at this point we’re too scared to ask.

Roy keeps coming back because he’s Gay Horney. Valid, I guess? Anyway, while Jack Kelso was away on business in New York, Roy conveniently got amnesia and forgot he was even married to Jack. All he recalls are his two wives, Louise and Dolores. After a very, very long day of doing absolutely fucking nothing on the job, he was looking forwa so they could both wreck his ass so hard that he could finally feel the sweet release of death for good.

 

Let him raw Louise and Lola, op. Kthxbai.  
hE HAS. Has he? I mean I guess.

He needs this because umm I’m top

 

Anyway, the point is he was super fucking excited to see his wives. Like, a lot. Jack Kelso who? Roy doesn’t know who that is. He only knows Louise and Dolores. I don’t know _why_ we’re calling her Dolores instead of Lola, but apparently, that’s what we’re doing.

Because it’s valid. That’s why.

Is it? Is it really? Like, that’s her name, but… mildly cursed.

Yes it is. Not cursed.

I guess.

You guess.

 

ANYWAYS. Roy was also excited to get home to his wives because he had been going through a lot. His (forgive me) sugar daddy, Archie Colmyer just dropped fucking dead from a heart attack. Too much coffee. Roy was very, very distressed about this. Like, it happened right in front of him. Tragic. Roy had to hide the body in case somebody pinned it on him and like, that was also super distressing. How was he gonna be a sugar baby now? It was a problem because he like, had a family to care for and shit. He needed Archie’s sweet, sweet money. Not just his money, he was gonna miss getting absolutely fucking rawed by him.

 

Hi, my name is Aaron Jeremy and I’d like to formally interrupt this fucking fic to tell Charlotte to fuck right off with this nonsense. Thank you for your time. Carry on with the bullshit.

Um, I refused to be silenced? Roy getting rawed by Archie is fucking canon and I have two fics to prove it.

Then perish. No, it’s not fucking canon. Fuck you. Fuck you!!!! Oh my God. Oh my God, can we please just continue? I don’t want to think about Roy getting rawed by Archibald ‘Sugar Daddy’ Colmyer any longer. Get to the wife stealing.

Oh, so he’s a sugar daddy when it benefits you? I see how it is. Okay, sugar baby Roy. If that’s what you say.

CHARLOTTE.

Love you too.

_I guess. Can we continue?_

I guess.

Maybe “I guess” can be your “okay”

The rest of this fic will henceforth be written John Green Style. Fuck you, Char. I can fucking typing. I can fuckING TYPE. I’M DYSLEXIC LEAVE ME ALONE. A N Y W A Y--

Okay, okay. AJ, just take the fucking bullet already. Let’s get to the wife stealing.

 

I’m scared, but FINE. So, Roy, like-- got home after like, a really distressing car ride where he thought about the loss of his Sugar Daddy, Archie. He had no fucking idea what was in store for him, but boy, was he in for the shock of his life when he finally opened the door to his apartment. For there, sitting in _his_ armchair, was Gordon Motherfucking Leary. That wasn’t the shocking thing, though. The shocking thing was that _his_ wives-- his beautiful, wonderful wives-- were sitting in Leary’s lap.

“Wassup, Bitch,” Leary said, looking especially smug.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing with my wives?” Roy snarls.

“ _Your_ wives?” Leary asked, and he chuckled, “I think you mean _my_ wives, Earle.”

Roy opens his mouth to speak, but Louise cuts him off. “Sorry, sweetie, but Lola and I were talking. We’re Gordon’s wives now.” With that, she tosses a bunch of divorce papers at him. Man, Roy got served with divorced papers in the harshest way. Press F to pay respects.

“You didn’t really think we’d stay forever, did you, hon?” Lola asked, cuddling closer to Leary with an almost-too-sweet smile on her face. “It was only a matter of time before we wised up and realized Gordon was the better option.”

“Exactly. For one, Gordon doesn’t need a sugar daddy to support us.” Louise adds, adding _another_ kiss mark to Leary’s face. God, his face is like, covered in them now. Courtesy of Louise and Lola.

“For another,” Lola continued, “He is _much_ better at rawing us.”  
  
“Can’t argue with that.” Roy replied. “After all my dick did fall off.”

 

WAIT CAN HE DIE OF A BROKEN HEART SO HIS LAST WORDS CAN BE THAT HE HAD ONE LIKE OUR UNOFFICIAL LA NOIRE FIC LAW

yEAH. After Jack introduces Ratticus Ratthew Sarah John Jacob Joseph Another Middle Name Onion Kelso-Earle-Seed to him.

 

Anyway, Roy was sad. He was like, super sad. Super Heartbroken. He loved his wifes-- Leary’s wifes, now, he guesses. Apparently, they didn’t love him as much as he loved them. In fact, as they left, they both said in creepy unison: “Oh, Roy, if only somebody loved you.”  
  
But it’s okay because now he could be Roy “Gay Horney Big Slappy” Earle again.  
  
“Moon prism power!” Shouted Roy as his transformation into Big Slappy began.

It’s then that Jack Kelso entered the apartment with Ratticus Ratthew in a Baby Bjorn. “What the fuck are you doing?” He asked, eyebrows raised, “I was only gone for a day, Roy.”

Roy stopped his transformation to stare Jack down. “Who are you?”

Jack frowned deeply. “Your husband?”

“I don’t have a husband,” Roy said, “Only two wives. Except… now they are Leary’s wives.” Roy Earle started to sob. “What does Leary have that I don’t?”

“A ginormous, long, hard, thick, juicy cock.” Jack replied without hesitation. “Which he stole from you with the help of goblin magic.”

“That’s fair, I guess,” Roy said, “Seriously, though, who are you? And who the fuck is that kid?”

“Jack Kelso, don’t you remember? We got married five months ago. This is our son, Ratticus Ratthew Sarah John Jacob Joseph Scrimmy Bingus Coke Weed Onion Kelso-Earle-Seed.”

“Oh yeah! I remember!” Roy exclaimed. “We had our wedding at Daipy Mart!”  
  
Roy leaped into Jack’s arms. “Oh baby, I was so blind. I didn’t need wives, I just needed a husband.”

Jack and Roy kissed each other passionately.  
  
“What the fuck.” Said the baby.

Then, out of nowhere, Ratticus stabbed Roy. Right through the heart that Roy apparently had. “Stay the fuck away from my dad.”

“Never!” Shouted Roy, opening his mouth wide to suck up the baby like a vacuum. “God, I didn’t even know I _had_ a heart before you stabbed me in it.”  
  
“Oh my god, you saved me.” Said Jack, tears welling up in his eyes.“Jokes on you, bitch,” Ratticus said, from somewhere behind them, “I’m here to stay.”

  
And that’s how Jack and Roy became dads to what is apparently a demon baby. The End.


	7. I'm Not That Drunk Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> char won't do it so i did it for her

jack was gay. jac k was vyer yr gay for his byo friend roy. roy had a cat. thats ca tna med was  
jackie  
roy had two cats.  
royal and jackie.   
the ned


End file.
